Naughty kids are always funnier when they’re not yours.

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All right Parenting Karma, you got me.

I’ve been a little too smug about my well-behaved children for a little too long; you were bound to find me and boot me in my smarmy arse sooner or later.

I should have seen it coming. No doubt you were lurking in the wings, amused by my growing confidence.

Those howling brats being dragged from the lolly aisle by flushed parents? Not mine, THANK GOD. What they need is a few more time outs and a little less sugar.

That grubby kid at the park who shoulder-charges anyone who so much as glances sideways at his favourite swing? Absolutely not! In my household we practice non-violent conflict resolution by verbalising our grievances and listening to one another…

Yeah, that was until my charming little miss morphed into a head-spinning, green-projectile-vomiting, demon-child AND THREW A STICK AT HER FRIEND’S HEAD. This was after she balled up her little fists and screeched at me like a banshee because I refused to interrupt my adult conversation to paint her nails her favourite shade of pink.

I was mortified. And more than a little bit flushed.

After a thorough dressing down, I lumped the defiant little she-devil in another room for time out. A long one.

I bet the look on my face gave you a good chuckle, didn’t it Parenting Karma? You know, that slow-motion cat’s bum face* I made when I realised my little darling would prefer to hit her friend square between the eyes with a lump of wood than take my refusal lying down? HIL-LARIOUS.

In hindsight, I had it coming to me. I’d always had an easy run.

I’d had the good sleepers; the ones you just ditch bed and forget about for a couple of hours each day. I’d had the good eaters; the ones that request adult meals with olives, mushrooms and prawns. I’d had the kid who would prefer to read quietly in her bedroom than sling wet sand at the side of the house.

I was that women in the shops with the two neatly dressed cherubs, browsing the racks while they happily observed the busy world around them.

I pitied the parents of the red-faced miscreants, thrashing about on shopping centre floors. If only they were as committed to disciplining their child as I was! My children would never behave like that.

Well Parenting Karma, you’ve had the last laugh.

Now I’m the woman who has to apologise to her friend for her child’s violent outburst. I’m the woman who is told to “Shoosh” and “Stop it” by her screeching two-year-old, mid-sentence. I’m the woman who is constantly on guard, waiting for the next wave of tyrannical demands (and the inevitable fallout when they are not met).

I’m the frazzled nutter trying to retrieve her naked, runaway two-year-old from the backyard so she can scrape the newly acquired chicken poo from her feet, dress her (in invariably the wrong outfit – cue world war three) and leave the house on time.

It’s fair to say I’ve learned my lesson, OK, Parenting Karma? Naughty behaviour happens. Just like shit happens. And I’m not immune to it.

I promise not to be so smug from now on. Can I have my angel back now, please?

Have you ever parented a terrible two-year-old? Have you been a smug mum? Do you have some advice? Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences below.

*Here’s a great example of cat’s bum face courtesy of http://mummyneversleeps.com/:

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Comments

  1. I love this. I am totally following you now, and not just because you shared my post here! 🙂

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  2. Haha I love this post, so honest. I was super smug walking around with my daughter at the shops from 12 months on, never a tantrum. Enter second baby and suddenly I had one child rolling on the ground at the checkout and a super embarrassed three year old who rolls her eyes and pretends she isn’t with us. It’s a phase we can look back on and laugh at, thankfully!

    Like

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  1. […] painting my bathroom floor with lipstick, she’s reading cross-legged on her bedroom floor.  She has had her moments, but they’re the […]

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