“Mummy’s vagina is NOT a bath toy!” and other bizarre things mothers of toddlers say…

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Sometimes it’s hard to find the funny side of motherhood (like when you’re using a toothpick to remove vomit chunks from your toddler’s car seat buckle). And then there are the days when you find yourself telling your nine-month-old “Mummy’s vagina is NOT a bath toy” (or something equally bizarre) and you realise you’re officially one sandwich short of a picnic.

*Cue high-pitched cackling here*

So I figured I’d share a list of some of the naggy/crazy/common things I’ve found myself saying to my children in recent times, and you can have a laugh too. (And who knows, maybe some of you are equally crazy?)

  1. “What’s that in your mouth? Oh God it’s a dead caterpillar!”
  2. “How hard is it to keep your drink IN YOUR CUP?”
  3. “I’m not sure Mummy would like the taste of vagina coffee, but thank you for offering it to me anyway.”
  4. “Why do you only need to go to the toilet when I sit down with a hot tea?”
  5. “Who ate the chalk?”
  6. “Don’t smile at me when I say no.”
  7. “No thank you, Mummy can wipe her own bottom.”
  8. “Don’t. Touch. The LITTER TRAY!”
  9. You asked for the blue cup, I got you the blue cup. No, I’m not going to find you the other blue cup. It’s EXACTLY THE SAME!”
  10. “Where did your clothes go?”
  11. “Could you just stop trying to kill yourself for five minutes?”
  12. “Get out of the chicken pen! The scraps are for the chickens to eat, NOT YOU!”
  13. “Did I just tread in wee?”
  14. “Yes, I’d love to go on the trampoline. Again.”
  15. “Is that poo or chocolate?”
  16. “Undies aren’t optional.”
  17. “You want me to read The Cat In The Hat again tonight? Can’t wait!”
  18. “If I say the power point is dangerous, it’s dangerous!”
  19. “Ice is supposed to be cold. Yes, I know it’s freezing, it’s frozen.”
  20. “For God’s sake let the cat breathe!”
  21. “You’ve already had four Cruskits today!”
  22. “Dinosaurs are extinct. They are not coming through your bedroom window.”
  23. “Mummy doesn’t yell for the fun of it!”
  24. “Don’t eat chicken poo off the bottom of my thong!”
  25. “Are you bleeding? Then no, you can’t have a band aid.”
  26. “Hurry up!”
  27. “How many more times do I have to ask you to eat that?”
  28. “Finger out of your nose!”
  29. “Can I just wee in peace?”
  30. “Mummy’s vagina is NOT a bath toy!”

Can you relate? Feel free to add to the list! It would make me feel a lot more normal to hear some of the bizarre things other people say to their children…

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Chalk-eater, busted!

Chalk-eater, busted!



  1. Haha. These are so funny and true. This week it’s constantly, “sweetie, you’ll get arrested if you don’t wear pants in public”.


    • Toddlers are fond of the commando, aren’t they? It’s not something you read in parenting books (that’s assuming you read parenting books in the first place, I’ve been a bit a lazy on that front). I’m glad I’m not the only one living with a nudist…!


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