‘Look mum, that dog has a REALLY big doodle!’… and 14 other moments being a parent kind-of sucks.

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Being a parent really sucks sometimes. The kind-of suckiness that makes you want to cry uncontrollably over a stiff drink, at 8.15am, but you can’t because: kids.

So we laugh. Maniacally. Bite our lip. Exhale loudly. And mutter non-swear words like “truckin’ bunt” under our breath.

Because sometimes, when you’re the designated boss person/nurturer of the little people, if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. Lots.

So please, have a chuckle at my expense (or add your own woeful experiences below).

Parenting kind-of sucks when….

1. Your three-year-old opens the change room door to the world while you’re partially naked, smacking it into your face in the process.

2. You attempt to leave the house with both children dressed reasonably when your 18-month-old slips over and falls in the only pile of chicken shit in a five metre radius.

3. Your 18-month-old decides to verify “I pooed” by grabbing a handful from her nappy and showing you, before lunging in for a hug.

4. Your three-year-old knees you to the face while trying to get her tights on. Despite asking her to “Point your toes, please” no less than A BILLION times, she forges ahead with flexed feet.

5. Your 18-month-old morphs into the MAGNET FROM HELL, which is suddenly attracted to the washing pile you’re trying to load into the machine, the dirt pile you’re trying to sweep up, the dishwasher you’re attempting to unpack.

6. At least one child URGENTLY NEEDS SOMETHING approximately two minutes into Mummy and Daddy’s special cuddles session. Every. Single. Time.

7. Your three-year-old loudly proclaims “Look mum, that dog has a REALLY big doodle!’ in front of everyone at the vet. (OK, I lie. This really was hilarious AND a rather valid observation. I mean, how often do you see a dog with a human-sized penis?)

8. Your 18-month-old eats spaghetti, embarks on a mission to touch everything in the room at least once, including clean washing hanging in front of the fire.

9. You buy tickets to see the Gruffalo on stage, forget about them until the day AFTER the show.

10. Your 18-month-old finds tumbleweed of cat hair, attempts to eat it, semi-chokes and spits it on the floor. Repeats process the following day.

11. Your 18-month-old knocks over hot cup of green tea, scalding your legs. Laughs as you dance around like a cursing lunatic.

12. Your children disregard all verbal warnings not to climb, ride backwards, stand on something perilous. They hurt themselves, expect sympathy.

13. You have to remind your 18-month-old it’s not OK to lick the cat.

14. You tread on minuscule Barbie accessory/piece of Lego that has been left out, momentarily consider amputating foot.

15. Your 18-month-old busts your clandestine toenail-painting operation, gets a closer look by treading on your freshly painted foot.

 

For trucks sake!

What are your mental parenting moments? What do your kids do that drives you nuts? Laugh with – not just at – me by posting your own stories below!

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Comments

  1. Hahahaha! This is hilarious – thanks for the laughs on a Monday morning.. And for at least 15 reasons to stay childless for as long as possible! Though your 18 month old sounds pretty entertaining..

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  2. Yeah! For trucks sake! hahaha. Great post, and I think most of us parents can relate on many levels! 🙂

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  3. Love love love this!
    I have a 6 year old son… My best friend has a 4 year old boy as well. This blog is spot on!!
    Experienced many of your delightful encounters above 🙂

    We found a wonderful play centre to take our children to recently where the kids can run a muck and where we can sit and eat as much food as we like and talk adult stuff (finally an adult conversation) while the kids play.. We though this was a wonderful place where we could sit and have a champagne, enjoy our night. So I ordered dinner, asked where the alcohol was and to our suprise (insert sarcasm) the lady tells us it’s BYO. Are you serious? How did we fail to miss this? Meanwhile, kids are somewhere deep within the play jungle that even if we attempted to get them to come out for just one moment (while mummy ran across the road to the bottle shop), it would take 40 minutes of convincing and there would be all sorts of screaming and debates happening!

    We figured, we may as well settle with fanta from the play centre..
    (sigh*) Yay!!

    🙂

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  4. BAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHHAHA! These are so awesome. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old, and I can soooooooooo relate. I think you dodged a bullet on that Gruffalo one though. Children’s theatre sucks, frankly.

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  5. LOLl I can’t stop laughing!! I can totally relate!!!

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  6. Feeling like you need a little lift, you decide to take some time to actually do your hair. Your 4 year old observes for a moment then asks, “Wait… Is today a holiday?”

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    • Haha, that’s hilarious. Jackie you poor thing! If I’m wearing anything other than tights or trakkies my three-year-old asks where I’m going.
      This morning she also told me my hair smelled like strawberries… and tomatoes! Backhanded compliment.

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      • Oh my goodness. WordPress has gone insane. It told me this comment didn’t post and to try again. It went as far as to send me an e-mail. Strange! Sorry for the duplicate — please delete. 🙂

        Anyways… I feel you on the clothing. If I put on something aside from yoga pants and a ribbed tank, she runs to find her Dad and asks him to come look. LOL

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      • No worries, I figured as much. Thanks for being persistent!

        Ahh comfy clothes. They’re warranted when someone is likely to wipe their grubby hands on you at any given time. 🙂

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  7. This made me laugh! I don’t have kids but I remember when my niece asked me in a very loud voice, “Is pussy-face a bad word?” when we were in a supermarket line!

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    • Haha, I love that pussy-face made it into her vocabulary! I think the benefit of being an Aunty in public is you could always reply “Aunty X doesn’t know what you mean by pussy-face, darling” and all those curious onlookers will automatically let you off the hook!

      Like

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