How to get your newborn to sleep (tips from a mother of sleepers)

Sleeping babies, they’re like unicorns – elusive mythical creatures that are mentioned in parental folklore but rarely encountered. But unlike unicorns – or mermaid vaginas, or Kanye West’s sense of decency – they really do exist. I know because I scored three of them. This makes me a complete arsehole – yes – but also a well-rested arsehole. […]

The retraction: Only one bun now, but happy all the same.

Sorry for the kerfuffle, people, but it seems my uterine capacity is strictly limited to one. So here’s the retraction I flagged earlier, now that gestational sacks B and C decided to pack up shop and call it a day. It seems I’m only growing only one mini-human. One healthy, happily tucked-away, grape-sized human. Once again […]

So, I’m pregnant with triplets…

Ever wonder what it would be like to told you’re having triplets? Nope? Me fucking neither. It’s like wondering when eminem is going to publish a feminist manifesto, or when Taylor Swift will find true love. That shit just ain’t gonna happen. Well people, I was wrong. Wrong with a capital W(TF). It happens – […]

‘Look mum, that dog has a REALLY big doodle!’… and 14 other moments being a parent kind-of sucks.

Being a parent really sucks sometimes. The kind-of suckiness that makes you want to cry uncontrollably over a stiff drink, at 8.15am, but you can’t because: kids. So we laugh. Maniacally. Bite our lip. Exhale loudly. And mutter non-swear words like “truckin’ bunt” under our breath. Because sometimes, when you’re the designated boss person/nurturer of […]

Motherhood: The milestone I wasn’t expecting…

“I don’t EVEN love you, Mummy!” I’ve been in the dog house with my three-year-old this week, you see. She shouted at me with clenched fists, mouth set in an indignant pout. We’d clearly had a falling out of Nicole Richie-Lindsay Lohan proportions, and apparently I was to blame. “You can’t EVEN do this! I […]

Sexual assault and why the culture of disbelief must end

A man cannot be a paedophile when he has a partner his own age. I like to think this statement is a true as “kale smoothies taste extra good when you add chia seeds and turmeric” or “Ryan Gosling is an ugly, bigoted jerk”. And yet that was the sentiment of my high school principal […]

Guys don’t send you coded messages in song lyrics and other things I’d tell my teenage self….

Okay, so, I guess I didn’t know EVERYTHING as a teen (just most things, of course). And so as another birthday rolls around this week, I’ve been considering the advice I would’ve given to my teenage self:   – A strip of hot-pink lycra across your chest DOES NOT constitute clothing. Especially when it’s paired […]

Random Aldi woman, you killed my faith in humanity.

Sometimes, I really despise people. They can be such petty jerks. Real A-holes. Not everyone, just the type who don’t make this world a better place, who make your soul a little sadder for having encountered them. Random Aldi woman, you are akin to the types who drown puppies in hessian bags. Your show of […]

Rape culture, domestic violence, slut shaming: these women are fighting back in a powerful way.

  You are not owed my body. Sexuality is a spectrum. Rape is not a blessing in disguise. Feminine ≠ dumb. Sexual ≠ slut. Strong ≠ bitch.   The messages are as raw as the bare flesh they’re written on. They speak of strength, hope and courage – of a world where women’s rights are being sabotaged and […]

So I became the type of mum who talks about poo…

SHIT! Literally. Somehow, I became one of those mums who talks about it. Sure, we’ve all seen it, accidentally got it on our hands, wiped it off God knows how many surfaces… but talking about it? With other adults? Really? I can assure you I’m no stranger to parental insanity – mostly of the sleep-deprived, put-the-kettle-in-the-cupboard […]