How to get your newborn to sleep (tips from a mother of sleepers)

Sleeping babies, they’re like unicorns – elusive mythical creatures that are mentioned in parental folklore but rarely encountered. But unlike unicorns – or mermaid vaginas, or Kanye West’s sense of decency – they really do exist. I know because I scored three of them. This makes me a complete arsehole – yes – but also a well-rested arsehole. […]

Motherhood: The milestone I wasn’t expecting…

“I don’t EVEN love you, Mummy!” I’ve been in the dog house with my three-year-old this week, you see. She shouted at me with clenched fists, mouth set in an indignant pout. We’d clearly had a falling out of Nicole Richie-Lindsay Lohan proportions, and apparently I was to blame. “You can’t EVEN do this! I […]

When your mother-in-law wants to breastfeed your baby…

There are some moments in life you never forget – uni graduation, wedding day, the birth of your children, that moment your mother-in-law was holding your firstborn and boldly declared “I wish I could breastfeed her!”….wait, what? Yeah, that really happened. I was a new mum of barely a week when my mother-in-law decided she’d […]

The Overshare: My vagina is great – thanks for asking!

For something that has lips, vaginas don’t say an awful much. They’re sort of like camels (without the spitting – or the funky stench). Pink camels…who occasionally suffer from alopecia. They don’t have a voice but, you know, they’re kinda important. And they generally matter to us lady-folk, yeah? So why aren’t we talking about […]

So long stay-at-home suckers, cranky bitch mum is back at work!

I CAN’T WAIT to go back to work. This is not only a true statement of fact, but something I screeched at my children last week. Wait, wait, hold your applause and Mother of the Year nominations until you’ve heard the clincher: I really, really meant it. Somewhere in between my two-year-old flooding the kitchen […]

So, I have this weird obsession…

Move over Miley Cyrus, your twerking and enthusiastic support of camel toe evening wear doesn’t quite cut it in the world of weird. You might think you’ve cornered the bizarro market by donning nipple pasties and allowing a cowboy-monkey to ride you… but, ok, well, maybe I can’t top that. I do have this thing though. It’s […]

Naughty kids are always funnier when they’re not yours – PART TWO.

It’s no secret my first child was an easy baby. As far as snotty, milk-guzzling, sleep-killers go, she was a breeze for the first 18 months. Even after that, she has always been happy with her own company, easily entertained and a brilliant sleeper (12 hours at night, 3-4 during the day). When she disappears […]

I will buy my girls whatever the f*** I want and I won’t feel like an arsehole about it, alriiiight?

So, in the latest edition of How-You’re-Going-to-Fuck-Up-Your-Kids Weekly it seems gender-neutral toys are all the rage. Thanks to that momentarily awesome (now reviled)  GoldieBlox marketing video I’ve been reading article, after article, after article about gender-neutral toys. They’ve become a thing. Much like lotus births. Or premastication. Or paleo baby foods. And I get it, I honestly […]

In defence of THAT post-baby sexy selfie…

Before I gave birth to first child I swore to myself that no matter what followed, I’d never lose myself. My me-ness. I’d spent 24 growing into a version of myself I was happy with. I was a wife, a lover, a friend, a journalist, a snowboarder and a bookworm (among many other things). I […]

“Mummy’s vagina is NOT a bath toy!” and other bizarre things mothers of toddlers say…

Sometimes it’s hard to find the funny side of motherhood (like when you’re using a toothpick to remove vomit chunks from your toddler’s car seat buckle). And then there are the days when you find yourself telling your nine-month-old “Mummy’s vagina is NOT a bath toy” (or something equally bizarre) and you realise you’re officially […]